A
Aquanoids
Starring Laura Nativo (Delta Delta Delta), Ike Gingrich
Runtime: 68 min.
Jaws rapes Creature from the Black Lagoon which in turn fathers a brain deformed child which in turn rapes the audience for 68 minutes. Put some wheels on it.
Ratings: Bear: Worst bad horror movie I've ever seen all day in which a shot of alochol in a morgue. Matt: Worst man boobs ever. Clint: Best chance for a sequel "Harpoon Chicks on Scooters." Dave: 1 bushy eye brow short of a stern look. John: 4/7
American Vampire Story
Starring: Adam West
Runtime: 90 min.
Shaka, bro. This surf/vampire movie almost qualifies as a vampire/surf movie. Another solid performance by Mr. West, he did for this movie what this movie did for the term slipple. Shaka.
Ratings: Natalie: (on the scale of crimes against indigenous Hawaiians) slightly above the introduction of small pox. Mike: An American Vampire Poory. John: 4/7.
Alpha Incident
Runtime: 86 min.
Probably the most important piece of film in the history of cinema. Make a list of every great movie ever and what made them great. If anyone watches you make that list, they had more fun then if they watched AI. To be fair, the movie leaves you on a high note as every character you’ve come to megaloathe gets their comeuppance.
Ratings: Mike: To the movie that started it all, I hate you. John: 4/7. Dave: A lot like “A Wonderful Life” in that watching this movie is like experiencing Jimmy Stewarts slow descent into insanity. Except the angel never comes to save the audience. THE ANGEL NEVER COMES!!!
Attack of the Saber-Tooth
Starring: Robert Carradine.
Runtime 90 min.
More like the attack of the Smiladon Fatalis. Probably the most realistic portrayal of
Ratings: Mike: This movie narrowly defeats Bathtop distilleries as the #2 cause of fires in the
B
Boxing
Starring: Future John Klein
Runtime: 104 min.
Classic depiction of stalker/doctor and and stalkee/quadruple amputee. Mr. Klein gets to show some range & is involved in one of the ten best sex scenes in cinema history.
Rating: Joe: 4/10. John: 2/7
Bucket of Blood
‘
Runtime: 66 min.
Bucket of blood. More like bucket of plaster-like substance that smells like a bucket of shit. If you want to see a film about cats in walls, rambling beatnicks, and squirmy bus boys then I hate you. I hate you so much.
Rating: Mike: Just because we’re in clay, and this movie is in fact not, doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck Balles, cackenballes. John: 6/7.
Brain Smasher: A Love Story
Runtime: 88 min.
Dicemen cometh of age in this feisty, tongue-in-cheek love drama where the ninjas aren’t the only thing that kicks ass… actually the ninjas kick nothing because there are no ninjas, only Shaolin Monks with a penchant for the theatre of the absurd.
Rating: Mike: If you’re looking for a good dice movie, ya got the job, y’hear? John: 4/7.
Brood, The
Starring: Oliver Reed
Runtime: 92 min.
If you though divorce was hard, you were right. If you thought this movie was bad, your were right. If you thought seeing a mother chew through her own placenta to give brith to her mongoloid child only to lick it clean, you were right. If you thought you were watching the sultry curves of a blood seductress, you were wrong. IT’S A 12-YEAR OLD, MATT! Jenn: awake and disgusted. Mike: New birth sighting – external placenta mongoloid birth. Brian: 69 min. awful film. 20 min. somewhat watchable. 3 min. placenta. James: This movie is like a Wakefield Knuckleball. You think you have it sized up to hit out of the park, when it throws you a placenta. Matt: I will need years of psychoplasmic therapy to erase my boob of a blunder. Dave: If this movie teaches us anything about divorce… oh f*ck it, I just saw a woman eat her placenta.
C
Rutime: 97 min.
Have you ever had one of those moments where something runs on longer than you would like? Imagine that over & over again w/ no payoff, ever. Despite the lengthy Panther video there was not enough fun or partying to make this one watchable. However, the last line of the movie made the whole 97 minutes worthwhile.
Ratings: James: 4 thumbs up. Mike: This movie megabytes. Matt: I’m glad all of those boobs weren’t firewalled. Dave: More fun than a sand buggy race, but less than a Panther concert. John: 4/7 Robbie: Three Hearts.
Corn
Starring: Jenna Malone
Runtime: 97 min.
An a-maizing enviro-thriller in the vien of Fast Food Nation & Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle.” This film was for screening purposes only, not enjoyment. Some of the science seemed to be on shaky gournds, such as grocery cashiers receiving full benefits. Was successful in its goal, none of us will have the Munchies for lamb any time soon.
Ratings: Dave: This movie is baaaaaaad. Bear: This corn was not sweet. John: 4/7. Mike: Boring but not distasteful. Matt: Guess they should’ve stuck to chicken breasts. Jenn: Awake and inspired to go organic.
Capture the Flag
Starring: Fat Clint Higgins, Rich Woman’s Melissa Joan Hart
Run time: 57 min
The Boy’s and Girls club of
Ratings: John. 4/7. Jenn: X-tremely awake. Mike: Takes the terror out of terrible . Dave: First vaginal stabbing, now, capture flag. Is no childhood game safe from mockery. Matt: 25 Hoodlums, 0 Bosoms.
Christmas Evil
Starring: Kathleen Turner’s vagina.
Runtime: 93 min.
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, but it wasn’t her mouth I saw him kiss. Her robe didn’t have a crotch,
So Henry had to watch,
He ran upstairs to break his globe but something was amiss.
Hery sees his brother kiss his sister in law, as he masturbates on their front porch.
He stabs and shoots and cuts.
No ifs or ands or buts.
Henry is a crazy Santa Claus.
Ratings: John: 4/7. David: Finally a x-mas movie that doesn’t harp on the birth of Jesus. Mike: This movie must’ve seen mistletoe on my belt, because it sucked. Matt: This Santa suffered from really bad mammaries.
D
DNA
Starring: Mark Dacascos
Runtime: 94 min.
Bad computer animation with monster. Rips off
Ratings: John:2/7 Joe: 4/10
The Dead Next Door
Starring: J.R. Bookwalter
Runtime: 78 min.
This movie does share many of the characters, actors, lighting effects, intestinal focus, bad writing, and bad music of Robot Ninja. Although the movie’s watchers were strewn about, bored and witless, there were “No signs of struggle..[isnert fingers into severed zombie head.]
Ratings: Mike: J.R. is nothing if not consistent. Wait, he’s both. John: 6/7
Demons of
Starring: Demons/White Pianos
Runtime: 83 min.
White Piano sounds like a harpsichord, even laser hands couldn’t pull this POS out of the garbage, dramatic WP v Man with Ax fight almost as good as it sounds. Chance for great TIP/Thunder in Parasite refernce BLOWN!
Ratings: Clint: Awake Mike: Well hung John: 4/7
Dr Mordrid:
Starring: Jeffrey Combs
Runtime: 74 min.
What happens when you advertise a giant & inaccurate wall map in the opening scene? No one pays attention to POS movie & viewing audience passes on $595 110’ x 76’ map of
Ratings: Clint: “I love charts (w/ ships) Mike: under $50 John: 4/7 (Trailer before movie? COME ON!)
The Destroyer:
Starring: Lyle Alzado
Runtime: 93 min.
Just as capital punishment deters violent crime deters violent crime this movie deters washed out NFL players from living their acting dreams – neither works well enough. More highlights the failing of the pro-death lobby in calculating the cost of botched executions.
Ratings: James: This movie was the goddamn sewer. Matt: IMDB booby-trapped me- shower scene in Starship Troopers was better. Mike: 3000 vo;ts gave him a buzz. 93 min of this killed mine.
E
Escape From El Diablo
Starring: Ethan Wayne, Tim VanPat
Runtime: 93 min
There are many safe & effective ways to break out of a prison: cunning, helicopters guns. You’ll notice Frisbees, skateboards, blonde hair, and white suits are not listed, this is for good reason. This film provides one of the more accurate depictions of Mexicans & their home lands as it leaves the audience in dire need of a nap.
Ratings: John: 4/7 Jenn: Xtremely Tired Sarah: I don’t think I am going to get into grad school anymore Ryan: Unable to distract me from potential (ed. Note [fantasy]) football trades Dave: Much like the person in an escape plan whose sole role is to watch other people fornicate, this movie serves no purpose. Matt: Extreme-ly surprised to see boobs...left uninspired.
F
Fire Serpent
Starring:
Runtime: 120 min w/commercials
This movie was bad, but unremarkably so. Fire creature comes from the sun seeking fire fuel on Earth. Of course, even if it succeeded in burning everything on Earth, it would not have a small fraction of the fuel it foolishly left on the sun! The film climaxes when the heroes eliminate the scourge…by blowing it up (!?!?), which is not at all counter intuitive.
Ratings : Wishes to God that the film is re-made as Fire Phoenix, a biographical look at the tragic life and times of child star River Phoenix, who has to fight his own fire serpent; chronic and life-threatening drug addiction.
Flesh Eating Ghouls from Outer Space
Starring: Bear
Runtime: 18 min
Is it possible for an 18min long puppet musical, that at one time inspired a group sing- along, to still piss off every person who watched it? Yes.
Ratings: John: 5/7 Matt: Flesh Eatin Boobs would have been better. Jenn: Am I awake, or is this a nightmare? Dave: If you’re sitting at home depressed about watching a 76-minute rape film, only a Twinkie will do. Mike: Things I’d rather do in 18 minutes; Gouge out my eye, Rosie O’Donnell, and watch the first 18 minutes of the Alpha Incident.
G
Ghoulies II
Starring: Ghoulies, Donnie Jeffcoat
Runtime: 89 minutes
Crazy old man & Ghoulies giving high fives. Who would win in a fight; Demons from hell or an elite squad of fighting circus folk?
Ratings: Joe: 5/10, John 4/7
Gargoyle
Starring: Michael Pare’, Gargoyles
Runtime: 97 min
In one of the most Gargoyle –centric films of our time the true draw of this film comes with the visceral, near corporeal chemistry between the dashing (read balding) Pare and every female character, including Momma Gargoyle herself
Ratings: Mike: I love this movie town to my viscera” John: 4/7
H
Horror (Rises) From the Tomb
Starring: Zombies?
Runtime: 88 min
What’s worse than a low-budget foreign zombie movie with a lame plot, worthless dialogue, horrible special effects, an incorrect summary on the box? This movie.
Ratings: Mike: Blech, caught vomit, guttural noises. Matt: 1/3 Boobs. John: 6/7
Hot Pursuit
Starring: John Cusack, Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller
Run time: ?
Although “Hot” was misleading, “Pursuit” was spot on. Many important life lessons learned & implemented during aforementioned pursuit
Ratings: Clint: 4/7. Jenn: 4/7. John: 2/7
Heat Seeker
Starring: Tim Thomerson
Run time: 91 min
A group of elite fighters from across the globe meet to see who looks best in a banana hammock and thigh high leggings. The competition was fierce the battles were Sweaty – CHAMPIOn…!
Ratings: John: 4/7. Dave: Two cybernetically enhanced pecks up! Natalie: One down for
I
I Dismember Mama
Starring: Albert, Very Little Mama
Run time: 88 min
Had a chance to rival Naked Massacre in creepiness - Even in this it let us down…Low low prices of hot dogs (19 cents + tax?) but still higher than the amount of Mama dismemberment.
Ratings: Mike: I do not dismember anything good about this movie. Matt: I’d rather see no boobs in B-movies again than ever see this again. John: 6/7
Intermedio
Starring: ?
Run time: 82 min
Unlike the lighting, this movie was consistent. Unfortunately, it was consistently bad. Features what could go down as being the most pussy of a half-ghost ever caught on film. Movie not worth the thousand of Mexican lives lost digging the drug tunnels. Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Ratings: John: 4/7. Mike: One hot Karl short of a(n ironically) less shitty movie.
Inexchange
Starring: Young Stephen Colbert, Dane Cook
Run time: 90 min
A mo-eye, mo-opening, mo-movie about mo-college, mo-life. Who could’ve known that even the express train to
Ratings: Jenn: Awake and mo-ved. John: 3/7. Dave: I hate the main characters so much I’d like to take him to a party, get him drunk, tie him up, and then urinate on him. If only I remembered his name.
J
Jake Speed
Starring: Wayne Crawford, John Hurt
Run time: 93 minutes of nonstop action minus ~27 minutes of main character inaction = Jake Speed
Yet again Jake Speed proves to be a cure for insomnia as he puts 6 audience members to sleep as well as himself. Girls from France, guns on Jeep, lots of naps, loads of inaction.
Ratings: Matt: Even if Jake Speed was a beautiful woman with big boobs, I still would want to fall asleep. Clint: Jake Speed is the reason that Wayne Crawford became a household name. Jake Speed blows.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Starring: Jesus, Lucha Libres
Run time: 82 min
If Jesus Christ himself came back to star in an Action/Horror/Comedy/Martial Arts/Musical, this would be that film. What this film lacks in fighting choreography, acting skills, proper lighting, and a diverse cast it makes up for with deep spiritual truths (i.e. God loves lesbians because “they get so much done in day”). The power of Christ compels you to watch & enjoy this film. Amen!
Ratings: Mike: It takes five to keep the neighborhood alive (high five someone) Matt: You don’t have to have big boobs to love Jesus, or this movie. John: 2/7. Jenn: Awake and inspired.
Judgement
Starring: Mr. T, Corbin Bernsen
Run time: 100 min
When 20 children are tortured to death in an act of terrorism, there is only one question: did Corbin B. die for our sins?
Ratings: John: 4/7. Mike: I object, why is Satan Italian?
K
Kaw
Starring: Patrick Flannery (Boondock Saints)
Run time: ?
Let this synopsis serve as a kautionary tail. Feather or not you heed this warning; we don’t give a-flock. This unflappably talonded director certainly earned respeck; unfortunately the actor’s were clearly winging it. Not the beak of entertainment, but it has something for every squak of life.
Kill Point
Starring: Craig T. Nelson
Run time: 89 minutes
Planning on watching a lesbian vampire porn w/ a close group of friends but instead finding a Mel Brooks movie instead would usually be the low point of your night, this is of course you’ve reached…the Kill Point.
Ratings: Jenn: Wish I fell asleep on this one. Matt: 2 boobs, 75 deaths, for Matt you’ve reached the ‘ill-will’ point. Mike: This movie croaks its own brand of shoot’em up thriller [Mike to real killers] I want the old brand back!!!! Caitlin: 89 minutes too long.
Dave: Some of the worst helicopter cinematography since Sky Scraper. John: 6/7
Kill the Screen Queen
Starring: Bill Zebub
Run time: 76 min
This film starts with a woman being stabbed in the vagina. It actually got worse from there. Swing and a miss Bill Z…swing and a miss.
Ratings: Mike: I expect this kinda shit from Nutely, Ho-Ho Kus even, but
L
The Last Sect
Starring: Vampettes, David Carradine
Run time: 89 min
Of all the soft-core – lesbian - vampire films I’ve ever seen, this is the softest…except Karpov, that dude was harsh. Also, the director’s preference for the artistic over the erotic leaves one very vexing question unanswered, where’s the boobs!?!
Ratings: (On the Boob Scale) Gwenyth Paltrow. Mike: This movie makes me want to sit in my own ornately decored sitting room, and never leave. Jenn: (sleep scale) did not fall asleep. John: 4/7.
Leprechaun
Starring:
Run time: ?
A critical, poignant look at
Ratings: Mark: Movie left me leprechaunstipated. Owen: The directors of this movie are leprecon-artists! Matt: If there were as many boobs as midget jokes, I’d be happy. Clint: It looked like a bad movie. It smelled like a bad movie. It tasted like a bad movie. It felt like a bad movie. It sounded like a bad movie. A full sensory experience. Sarah: I don’t want me 2 hours back. Mike: Can leprechauns eat human flesh on Friday’s in Lent? Dave: Ranks a close second to Irish potato famine as worst thing to happen to the Irish.
Leprechaun in da Hood
Starring:
Run time: ?
In the tradition of Roots, Amistad, and House Party, these movie explores the racism that plagues urban
Dave: This movie is almost as fun as taking a ride on the underground railroad. Mark: I had a dream that I could see a horror film with the racial sensitivity of “Disorderly’s” – I dream no more. Matt: No boobs wuz present, but my homies was harsh but to a lesser extent. Mike: Definitely, top 6 leprechaun movies of all time. Owen: Likes crash in that is deals with race relations in
Lady Frankenstein
Starring: Herbert Fux
Run time: 84 min
For Fux sake, please see this movie. You can switch a brain, you can switch a heart, but can you switch a soul? Yes. Of all the brains to place in a super-strong body, that of a murderers & someone that grows HUGE mutton chops are amongst the poorer choices. When a woman tells you that she likes your personality but wants to transplant your brain into a hotter body, the correct response is: “Does mutton chops have to choke a bitch?”
Ratings: John: 5/7. Mike: 5/5 Hairy Chested love machines. Matt: Seeing all those boobs took my breath away.
Laserblast
Starring: Eddie “Diesel” Deezen
Run time: 83 min
This movie blows Star Wars away! Literally, the Laserblast blows up a sign that says “Star Wars.” The movie is awful.
Ratings: Mike: You can’t spell Laserblast w/o SARS – I would rather died from a respiratory infection. James: An unintelligible high-pitched moan.
